Life and Love

Door Stevie gepubliceerd in Persoonlijke ervaringen

Life and love is just like a song. You are the writer, the composer; you make it how it sounds, and how it ends.
The titles you got that by birth. That is something you cannot change. How it goes, it is up to you how you want the song’s goes. The base of the chord you got it from your parents and all first experiences you got. A long the way, you will notice that you need to change few chords to make it more rock, or swinging or even melancholy.

Somehow, music and life and love will always go hand in hand, it intertwine. Moreover, that is how it is with me. Though there is many rock music in my life that accompany me all those time, that made me dance and have some fun, there is this song that I always hear, each time I felt that pain and loneliness again “ I Want To Know What Love Is “.
At times, I felt as if my life it has been describe with that song. When it comes to the line “ I’m gonna take a little time, a little time to look around me, I’ve got nowhere left to hide, it looks like love has finally found me” I will asked my self, is this true? Is this real? Could it be this is the time that all pain will go away?

And I will be pulling my self away, to hide because I could not believe that all those beautiful feelings is actually for me. I know you would say, you have to open up, and feel it your self to know what love is. Nevertheless​, opening up means to be vulnerable, and that is something that I wont do. Not in any cause. Because vulnerabilit​y is something that will get me to be in the position where I will got hurt.  Just like I told my brother before love is complicated.​ The things you feel for someone, might just not the true feelings. You may wanted to be the true feelings, but it could be just a shadow or dreams that you want to happen in your life. And when you meet someone that it seems had some element of your dreams, you are going to think, and this is it. While actually, is not the real thing. Is just because that there is these few details that you see in this someone, it does not mean that your dream is come true.

It will lead you to put few new words on your song, and change few chords, and you will sing that tune for months, years, until it got out of tune, and you found out that this song is not what you want to sing. And you are going to try to change it, and you’re going to found out that though you’re changing the words and the tune, it doesn’t mean that it really go away, it will stay in your head. Like a bad tune, it will stays in your head, and you will caught your self-sing that song again every now and then.
Moreover, you will ask yourself “Gosh why did I do that, I hate that song so why am I sing that stupid song?”

That is how love and life is; you just experience it repeatedly, without even knowing each time that it all the same thing. It seems a different occasion and a different theme. Nevertheless​, it all the same, they just send it to you each time in a different package. Each time it looks like that, it is much better than the other one.
But what you’ve done is just change the tune, or the words and re-write it every time you think, this must be rock ‘n roll, or jazzy, or easy listening, or romantic for that matter.
The thing is if you really want to change this lonely life, like the song said. You have to change the whole thing. That means, take a new piece of paper, and write your self a new song, compose a new song, with a completely new meaning, new tunes, new chord and a new words. The question is how many of us really can do this. To do that, it means also to re-write your history, as if everything that has happened in your life, you delete it.

Can you do that? Most of us will say, “ Yes I can “. But think it clearly, be honest with yourself for a change, can you really delete the whole thing and re-write your life? If you are in a witness protection program, then yes you can, maybe. Why maybe?
Because, even if you are in that witness protection program there are a few things in your mind that will stays with you. It will come to haunt you.
You cannot erase the memory, the feelings you got. The pain, the joy or the remorse of things that you have or should not do or things that you should just forget it.
You could also make some space in your heart and leave it there, but how many times that it came out and haunt you?

Somehow, how hard you would try to forget it, someone, or something will be there to reminds you about the past.
How hard I try to forget the fact that my marriage was a bad song, someone just reminded me about that tune again. And it hurts a lot. And it seems, I just have to try harder to build some kind of soundproof wall surround me, so I don’t need to hear or listen if someone sings a bad tune about my marriage.
You could ask why am I that sensitive for that, well it’s because it was a sad way to live, full of loneliness. If you are alone, you don’t have someone in your life, it will be natural to feel lonely. But if you are in a relationship​ and you feel a dark loneliness that would never go away, than it’s a torture to live like that. Which it’s going to make you wish that you would die. And longing to that peace in your mind.
I’ve managed somehow to get out of that noise of loneliness, and try to go on living, making my self-busy with living. But sometimes, there is no escape from that.
Like the song Fragile reminded me: If blood will flow when fresh and steel are one Drying in the colour of the evening sun Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away But something in our minds will always stays.

In the meantime life just running as it should, time past, and the pain remain. There are new people you met, they come and they go, they touch you and then leave it there as it is. People that think that they just could do what they want in the name of love. And like the song said, love hurts. Yes I begin to learn that it’s true. It hurts so much that sometimes you just want to escape from that pain, and in order to do that, often enough you think about the easy way out. Oh..I flirt with that to many times.
Is not because I want it, but to be living with a big hole in your soul, than is the silence, the peace of mind out of the noise of pain, sounds very appealing. It’s just like a soft song that makes you fall a sleep and go on sleeping without waking up at all.
But like I said, it will be always flirtations.​ And one day I do realize that one day it will be the real thing, when I’m at the edge to make peace with death, he would say: “ Sorry honey, you cheated me so often enough, right now it’s my turn. No way back sweetheart!”​
When that time comes, I hope I could say: “ Take me, it’s ok. I have taste happiness even it’s only for one hour! It’s an hour of glorious dance, excitement, full of love and all the things that I longing for…!”
Till then, dry my tears..and just feel the beat, dance but please don’t feel sorry for me, that is one thing I cannot have.

12/05/2017 12:36

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