Two Months Home

Door Rens gepubliceerd in Persoonlijke ervaringen

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Two months home

It’s been difficult.
I thought coming home would be easy.
Like i would just roll back into life and everything would take shape as time progressed.

It’s been difficult. I felt strange. I felt like a stranger in a world I did not belong. Even feeling strange among my close friends.

Is this home?
It sure did not feel like it.

My mind slipped back into thinking instead of me seeing and being aware. I started reacting instead of acting. It’s a weird experience. From being aware of everything. Thoughts, feelings, their connections. Not reacting to any but just observing. To creeping back into thought and bind with the thoughts that come up. I started doubting what I did. Is this what I want? “Being stuck in my head”

I was fully aware that it was happening. And was looking at it but could not do anything about it but apply the things I had learned. I felt like a dog attached to a pole by a leash watching his caretaker being attacked. Trying to help using all my power but all I can do is bark.

I was aware that my mind was seeking distraction because of an anxious feeling I woke up with every day. It felt like some one was shouting at me from behind.

“What are you waiting for?!
Go!
Time is running out!
NOW! NOW! NOW!”

I started noticing how life is here. constantly on the move. always distracted. Doing nothing means distracting yourself. Be it with TV, Phone, Books, always distracted. No one is alone with their thoughts. Rarely people pauze and observe. Observe your surroundings. Observe how you feel, what you do, what you think. Contemplate, reflect.

I wanted time to adjust. Look back. Look at myself. But I did not give myself the time to do this. I wanted to change everything in my life and it had to happen now.

My Core

I needed help getting back to myself. Making a core, a foundation which is unmoved by external events. A core I can return to whenever my head is taking over. The core I had while travelling.

I noticed how easy you slip back into the self told stories. Stories that I tell myself to behave a certain way because I think this is how my friends, family and others see me.

I noticed that when i go on “adventure” alone in my own country, doing things myself, it is sometimes like travelling. Figuring it all out on my own. That’s when confidence grows. My confidence also grows when I spoke English rather than Dutch. But maybe this is just because I spoke English most of the time while travelling.

Because of these little things I know that core is still there. I just need to open up to it. Taking my time going there.

Trust

With help, things are starting to take shape. I slowed down my pace. Started looking around, enjoy my free time and reflect. All be it very difficult, I’m slowly starting to trust myself again.

This trust is most important. This trust comes from a place of self acceptance. Knowing that if you follow what feels right rather than what I think I need or am missing I will end up in place that I am happy and will fit me.

It takes practice. You need to become aware of that trusting feeling. Observing and always aware whenever it pops up.

Future

As I am looking ahead now, knowing that I have this trust and core to fall back on, I see a future full of possibilities. Taking it slow. Step by step I follow what feels right and trust that I will end up where I fit best.

07/07/2016 13:01

Reacties (1) 

1
08/07/2016 07:22
I fully agree with this.
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